Sunday May 8, 2011 4:37 a.m.

Over the last three hours I have gone from thinking that everyone else was my problem to realizing that I may in fact be out to get myself. I feel like I've gone crazy. I believe I have actually. My insanity has won me over this time I'm sure of it. I have, as long as I can remember, had these phases in my life where I start feeling alone and unloved and then I isolate myself from EVERYONE. (Possibly in a way to see if I'm right.) Then once I've isolated myself from everyone I think about everything possible and get very depressed, sad, or angry. Then I feel completely and hopelessly stuck. Not the kind of stuck like a shoe in gum, more like a little rodent sinking in quick sand. I feel like my mind takes me down fast. It is in the phases, in particular the part when I'm stuck, that I know what I need to do to feel better but I just don't want to do it. It's like I enjoy misery. Happy things have never helped me to feel better. It's as though pain and anger keep me numb. I am going to make a call on Monday to go see someone. I think that I need to walk through my brain and figure out exactly whats happening. Not many people have been subjected to my brain, and my thoughts. I really do a lot more thinking and as a result become crazy on the inside. The past week or so I have just been making myself sick over it all. I just feel so off, so misguided, and so unconnected. I feel like nothing makes sense.