I got out of bed today. And not just to pee either...I really got up. I did my hair did my make up and put on what appears to be a decent outfit. Says a lot since the day before yesterday I stayed in bed almost all day. I just had a down day. Some mindlessly tapped their knuckles on my wood door that stood between me and the world. And even though I ignored their attempt to talk, they waltzed in anyway. It's as though people around me feed off of prying. I just want to be left alone is that so hard to understand. I mean there are some like Robin just enter into my dark room of nothing and just sit next to me. Robin doesn't pry, nor do they even ask. It's these kind of people that can exist. But there are some who just pry and ask and poke and bug and annoy...and the second they open their mouth even before one sound escapes their teeth, I hate them. I don't want to hear any pitch in your voice right now. Just let me lay in my bed and stare off into space. I couldn't really tell you what runs through my mind however, because it's kind of like a bad dream. You know the ones I'm talking about I'm sure. It's the ones where you are running and running and running and you know you're scared and running from something but you are going so fast you can't even see or make sense of anything you're going past. Thats my mind, those are my thoughts. My mind races and races but I don't know what my thoughts are. I can't stop time, I can't slow it down....I just don't know. Which leads me to my next point of conversation. When you ask me whats wrong and I say I don't know...I really don't. If I knew then I would tell you or say I don't want to talk about it. I don't keep skeletons. I try my best to be honest with everyone. Or do I?
I feel like I'm pretty honest with other people...but to myself, am I honest? Is anyone honest with their self? Or are we all just fooling ourselves. Do we deny how we honestly feel because we feel like it wouldn't make sense to anyone else? Or do we hide who we really are just because we don't feel we will be accepted. Do we look, and feel, and act an entirely different way on the outside than we do on the inside?
Another thing, do we set such high goals for ourselves that when we are taking forever to get there we just hate that we aren't there. Do I hate myself for not being who I always told myself, and others, I would be. Am I so caught up with not letting other people down that I continuously let myself down and let other people let me down? I think so.
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